The Passive-Aggressive Passer: overtakes you with a pseudo-cheery "Hello" which is really just there to draw attention to the fact that they are overtaking you, and with such ease that they have enough breath left to talk to you about it. Pass-Agg for short.
The US Military: so-called because they literally have all the gear but no idea. They've just bought a sliver of carbon to ride and a raft of lycra to wear, none of which helps as they cycle along with their saddle too low and in the wrong gear, feet flying almost as furiously as the sweat from their brow. When they overtake, you take comfort in the knowledge that you're a better cyclist but that they have bought their speed.
The Onanist: it doesn't matter how fast or slow anyone else is, because this rider just competes with themselves. Medals are of no import, it's PRs that matter. Overtakes you but doesn't care. Checking Strava after an event comes before food, drink or anything else.
The Gemini: a pair of cyclists, permanently two abreast, often having taken the trouble to co-ordinate their outfits (matching Castelli rain jackets - nice). Geminis chat together from start to finish, seemingly never running out of puff, and don't even notice you when they overtake you.
The Woggle Hopper: named after George Corner, Hoppers are at least a generation older than you yet are somehow also fitter, faster and stronger than you. Typically, Hoppers will overtake you on steep climbs just to really rub it in.
The Lone Gunman: cycling can be a very social activity, especially sportives. People bunch together on the ride, get chatting, take turns setting the pace, encourage each other... but the Lone Gunman cares not for this. He trains alone, he rides alone, he speaks to no-one. He doesn't cycle to be social, but to face the challenge of cycling ... alone. Overtakes you without a word.
The Unlikely Lad: a cyclist who looks too big, too heavy, for their bike, whose rotund physique suggests a general lack of cycling and yet who, somehow, is still faster than you. When he overtakes, you can't help but think, "How?"
The Squisher: named after the Two Ronnies sketch in which an ill-equipped and seemingly unfit beginner (Barker) beats an experienced, well-equipped and fit squash player (Corbett) in his first game. You've seen the cyclist who's borrowed an old bike off his mate, not all the gears work properly, he's wearing a t-shirt he got in Primark, his old school PE shorts and footwear from Sports Direct... but he doesn't care. He overtakes you but doesn't know how.
The Trigger: named after the Only Fools and Horses character whose broom famously had seventeen new heads and fourteen new handles. The Trigger spends all of his time, effort and money making tiny incremental upgrades to his bike in search of performance gains, without ever realising that it would have been a lot quicker, easier and cheaper to just buy a new bike. Overtakes you just so that he can later attribute it to the 15g he's saved by swapping out his seatpost...
FKW: top-to-toe in either designer cyclist gear (colour co-ordinated Rapha) or replica team kit. News flash: having an Ineos-branded jersey doesn't make you faster. Feels he has to overtake you because you don't have the right labels on, and so don't deserve your place in the pecking order.
The Envy Magnet: magnets just get everything right. Nice kit without going OTT. Well chosen, well thought out bikes. A physique that is testament to the fact that they've trained appropriately. They work hard on the ride, but it isn't effortless. They're faster than you, but you admire rather than begrudge them. They speak kindly and with sociable warmth as they overtake you. You really wish you could form a Gemini pair with them.
Did I miss any other sportive archetypes? Where do you fit? And yes, those of you who know me might recognise that I exhibit a lot (but hopefully not all) of these traits. That's because I am...
The Sampler: knows enough about bikes and kit to have a reasonable set-up. Trains, but could train harder. Would like to be a sociable cyclist but isn't very social by nature. Feels too invested in his "Trigger's broom" to bite the bullet and buy a fancy new bike. Doesn't overtake anyone very often but, when he does, attributes it to the other rider probably having some kind of mechanical problem.
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