It's not all about the length...

...although in this case, it is.

When you're measuring stem length, where do you start from and go to, I wondered? End to end? Head tube to handlebars? Or somewhere else entirely? Turns out this is the answer:

Source: mountaintreads.com

When is a bottle cage not a bottle cage?

When it's a chocolate bar.

Before:

After:

So yes, I removed the old bottle cage that came with my bike, twelve years ago, and replaced it with a sliver of carbon fibre. I know, I know. It was only a tenner though, so don't think bad of me.

Anyway, look - I just saved 46g. That might be a bit pathetic, but it's also more than a KitKat, so I can now carry an extra one of them - bonus!

Turboman

No, I didn't clean my bike before mounting it.
Yes, that is an old-school static exercise bike in the background.

In which I ramble on at boring length about the Bkool Smart Pro 2 turbo trainer...

Okay, I'll try not to ramble on. Can't make any promises about not being boring. But anyway, I've had this turbo trainer sat in its box, making me feel guilty for not using it, since my last birthday. But the cool weather, a recent spate of punctures and the fact that I really need to step up my training finally made me do something about it at the weekend.

Assembling the Smart Pro 2 is so simple, you don't even need to open the instructions (watch this if you don't believe me). The hardest part was getting my QR spindle out, so I could put the Bkool one in (which probably tells me mine was done up too tight). Installing the app was simple too - it was on my tablet in no time. Even connecting the two together was a doddle, via Bluetooth and ANT+ (I checked both). The only problem was making the damn trainer work properly ... because, whatever I tried, it was permanently stuck at maximum resistance. I could barely turn the pedals.

Much Googling ensued. Much reading of forums too, both Bkool and independent. It seemed to be a comparatively common problem, and yet there didn't seem to be a definitive answer. A surprising number of people had resorted to taking the trainer apart to look for physical problems but I felt that, being box-fresh, it was more likely a software problem. The app was supposed, I read, to tell me if the trainer required a firmware upgrade, and it wasn't ... so how to force a firmware upgrade, that was the question.

The answer was to download a companion app called the Bkool Toolkit (er, why can't the two be combined into one app, Bkool?), which checks for firmware upgrades on demand. And yes, my trainer, needed one. Sorted, right? Not quite. Because what neither the forums, the Bkool website nor the Toolkit app tell you is that for the firmware upgrade to work you need to have location services enabled on your tablet/phone. Only after I had tried and failed to install the firmware upgrade eight or nine times did I, in desperation, enable location services and get a result. Because yes, as soon as the firmware was up to date, the trainer resistance recalibrated and I could actually get on and use the thing.

First go was Giro del Lago Grande di Avigliana, an introductory 3mi loop around a lake in Italy, on my todd. It was fine, hard work in the right places, although I think the resistance ramps up a bit too quickly but maybe that's just me. The graphics were good, and a little less cartoony than all the Zwift screenshots that friends have on Strava. There's also a choice of map or real video, but I think I'll be sticking to the video animation.

The next morning I had a go at something a little more demanding. And because I wanted the social (by which I mean competitive) aspect of simulators like Bkool to kick in, I chose a scheduled session - basically an ordinary route that lots of users ride at the same time. I chose La Senia-Roquetes in NE Spain, partly because it was rated as being relatively easy but mostly because the distance meant it would fit into my narrow window of free time. I missed the start of the scheduled session but joined late and got pedalling.

And this is where I think the turbo trainer is really going to work for me, because I am quite competitive (more so than my level of ability warrants). When I joined the session, the app showed me that I was six minutes behind Oscar from Spain (whoever he was). I had the 19.5mi of the route to catch him ... and I was off, like a scalded cat. As it was, I caught him at the half-way point, so then had the challenge of first maintaining, then building a lead. By the time I crossed the finish line, I was five minutes ahead.

I was also a sweaty mess. With turbo training in the conservatory there's no breeze to cool you, or help your sweat evaporate. My top was off and I was down to shorts only after about seven miles, and my handlebars were uncomfortably slick with sweat (I hadn't thought to wear my gloves). I could probably have used a towel too. I can quite see why many users of this and other turbo trainers also invest in a desk fan for their training space.

But the Smart Pro 2? Once patched to the latest firmware, faultless. It feels really well made too. The Bkool simulator app isn't quite so slick - the UI is clunky and takes some getting used to, plus the Toolkit app functionality should really be built into the core app - but the actual simulations are excellent. I'm using a voucher that came with the trainer to get myself three months of the premium service, so I get the full range of available routes, sessions, velodromes simulators (yes, really) and seamless Strava/Garmin integration. When the three months run out, it'll cost £7.99 a month to continue. There is a free service, but the choice of routes and sessions is very limited, and there's no integration with other services. So we'll see ... three months is long enough for either the novelty to wear off or to become an absolute disciple. Watch this space.

TLDR: really well made bit of kit, software needs work, but the simulator is very good and subscription is competitively priced. Could be the making (and/or breaking) of me.

Week 4 metrics

20th - 26th January:

• Total distance: 83.2mi
• Total elevation: 2,910ft
• Longest ride: 19.5mi
• Time in saddle: 6h 16m

Real-world cycling

A snug isotonic sports drink, yesterday

In the vast and profitable world of online cycling, it's all 20-something men with washboard stomachs making Lycra look good as they belt up hills on 6kg wafers of hand-crafted Italian carbon. The real world, or my version of it at least, is not like that.

As a middle-aged man with a bit of a paunch, I look an absolute tool in Lycra, and wear it as little as possible. And whilst I would, of course, love a 6kg wafer of hand-crafted Italian carbon, life (and finance) is not like that, so I continue to eke a few more miles out of my 12-yr old flat-bar.

And if, as I do, you store your cycle helmet up on a shelf in the garage, you have to accept the possibility that, one day, a spider may take up residence. And that, as a consequence, when you're cycling into the city later that evening, the spider in question may crawl down over your face as you're trying your best to keep your speed up on an icy road. And that, being cold enough for you to wear your serious gloves, you might not be able to easily pluck your arachnid friend from your face. And even when you do get rid of him, you'll be imagining you can still feel him there for most of the rest of the journey. Doesn't happen to 20-something washboard-man, does it?

Another thing that doesn't happen much in the vast and profitable world of online cycling is real-world tests, by which I mean tests that I approve of. Example: have you ever seen a review of a bottle cage that tells you whether it will securely hold a 500ml bottle of ale isotonic sports drink? Another problem from last night, the bottle in question was not a snug fit and I was concerned that it would fall out and break, spilling all the hoppy isotonic goodness out on the road. Cue a real-world solution - fold your buff scarf in half lengthwise, to double the thickness, wrap around the bottle and Bob's your uncle, you have a nice tight fit. You don't get that kind of cycling tip anywhere else, do you?

Week 3 metrics

13th - 19th January:

• Total distance: 44mi
• Total elevation: 1,532ft
• Longest ride: 5.6mi
• Time in saddle: 4h 01m

Sweet ride

It's no accident that Wiggle are doing so well, is it? As well as delivering a wide range of quality cycling products at competitive prices, they throw in a little packet of Haribo when they pack up your order.

Yes, it's a 10p bag of sweets, against an order that was over £100 (reviews of the contents may follow, by the way). But it's the little (sweet) things that make all the difference, isn't it? Or am I just a sucker for gelatinous gummy treats?

Less is more

There are whole corners of the cycling web devoted to weight reduction. Go on, Google "weight weenies", I'll wait.

Quite a rabbit hole, isn't it?

Now I'm not going to get into a bespoke set of bike-weighing scales (yes, they exist) but I have been quite inspired by the thought of upgrading my trusty old road bike, in part inspired by this excellent video. The final push has come from the recent spate of punctures though, prompting me to replace my somewhat worn tyres. So out go the brilliant (until this week) Schwalbe Durano Plus, which have put in well over 2,000 miles in the last nine months. And in come... what?

After extensive Googling, in will come Hutchinson Fusion 5 Kevlar Pro Tech. Yes, you read that right. Kevlar! Whereas the Durano Plus relied on an extra 5mm of rubber on the outer surface to provide sterling puncture protection, the Hutchinson have Kevlar. That, and the fact that they're foldable tyres, rather then the wired Schwalbe, should equate to a fair weight saving. Ditto the new Schwalbe extra light tubes I'd ordered.

That's what I thought when I went to bed last night. This morning, I got the scales out, to see whether this was rational in the cold light of day or whether I was falling down the weight-weenie rabbit hole. The results are in:

Part-worn Schwalbe Durano Plus 700x25c wired	494g	(Unscientifically weighed with, er, kitchen scales)
Hutchinson Fusion 5 Kevlar Pro Tech 700x25c folding	215g	(Claimed)
Potential weight saving of (494g-215g) x 2 tyres =	558g
Schwalbe 700c 18-28c 60mm Presta tube	113g	(Kitchen scales)
Schwalbe Extra Light 700c 18-25c 60mm Presta tube	80g	(Claimed)
Potential weight saving of (113g-80g) x 2 tubes =	66g
Potential total weight saving =	624g

Now part of me thinks brilliant, that's a great saving! And part of me looks at my old-man's paunch and thinks that there are much bigger weight savings to be made, if I could only stay off the flapjacks and Minstrels. But the point is, I may save nearly two thirds of a kilogram just by judiciously replacing things I needed to replace anyway, and without breaking the bank. That's a win, surely?

Next consideration - the wheelset. I weighed the Giant IOU333 front wheel that came with the bike, twelve long years ago, and it clocked 865g with the quick-release spindle in. That's not bad, actually. But I've been looking at the Prime Baroudeur SE Road wheelset from Wiggle (Prime being one of their in-house brands), where the front wheel weighs in at 661g. Assuming a pro-rated saving on the heavier rear too and I could be looking at another 465g of weight saving, just by upgrading my wheels. Except, brilliant value though the Prime wheelset is in the Wiggle sale, it's £175 that I don't actually need to spend...

Diagnosing punctures

Yes, it's puncture season. Yes, my excellent tyres have ~2,000 miles on them. But having repaired an inner tube last night, today's fresh puncture crop seems excessive, look:

And yes, I have checked that there's nothing inside the tyre causing this ... this outbreak of punctures. Four on a five mile ride! Gah!

I've ordered some new tyres, and some brand new tubes. Until then, I've got more patches on the go than a smoking cessation clinic...

A small prick

5mm of thorn, cut from a hedge and left lying on a cycle-path, that's all it takes. And people wonder why I don't like cycle paths...

And I've got good tyres, with excellent puncture protection and durability, and the one that took this thorn only has about 2,500 miles on the clock...oh well.

Week 2 metrics

6th - 12th January:

• Total distance: 74.7mi
• Total elevation: 2,713ft
• Longest ride: 18.6mi
• Time in saddle: 6h 05m

Contrasts

The day started with two punctures, one in each tyre. It ended with unforecast rain on the commute ride home. Not a great day of cycling then, one way and another. And yet...

...and yet a new sponsor (thank you, Sensei), after a fallow period in which my running total had flatlined, and talk of LEJOG training rides and summer sportives have put the spring back in my step pedals. And if that isn't a thing, it ought to be.

Sort of thinking I might set up the turbo trainer (in its box since receiving it last birthday) this weekend, pop the road bike on that and commute on the veteran MTB whilst it's puncture-season... in which case, watch this space for a turbo report.

The joy of brakes

After one too many near misses, I replaced (and upgraded) my brake pads recently.

Here are the pads that came off. They had done about 5,000 miles, in all weathers, and were shot.

Frankly, it's a miracle I hadn't stacked it...

These were not visibly branded but are likely to have been bog-standard Tektro pads, since that's what came on the bike when it was new, oh so many moons ago. Time for an upgrade then, I thought, and splashed out on these from the Clarks Elite range, which promise great performance in all weather conditions and have cut away carriers for weight reduction. I like the idea of weight reduction, even when it's only a couple of grams. Pathetic, I know. Anyway, here's a side-by-side comparison of old and new:

Yes, white carriers. What of it?

This isn't an in-depth review but I can tell you the new brake pads stop an old man on an old bike as well as any pads can reasonably be expected to, and allow you to feed pressure in nicely. Equally, it is once more possible to brake so hard that the back wheel locks up. Which is nice. Will be interesting to see whether I get 5,000 miles out of these...

TLDR: decent pads at this price point, docked a star because the carriers really show the dirt (who'd have thought?) ★★★★☆

BUY: Clarks CPS240 brake pads with extra cartridges, currently £10.99 per set from Cycle Replublic

Full disclosure: I bought these with my own money. If anyone wants to give me kit in exchange for an honest review, I'm open to that, but unless I explicitly say otherwise everything I review on here will be sourced and paid for by yours truly.

B'TWIN 900 Urban waterproof overtrousers

Proper cyclists, the hardcore racers, sportive-chasers and MAMILs, don't wear overtrousers. They wear some sort of Lycra concoction and dry it when they get wherever it is they're going. Now I have been known to have a Lycra moment or two, and that will increase over the next eight months, but historically most of my mileage has been clocked up commuting. And since my journey to work is only around five miles each way, there seems little point in donning sports wear for it. Of course the trouble with cycling to work in your work clothes is that sometimes it rains...

I got sick and tried of drying out in the office, as you can imagine. Lining your desk chair with paper towels before you can sit down gets old pretty quickly. So this winter, I bit the bullet and invested in some waterproof overtrousers.

I researched the options, of course. And before I go any further, I should make a point that applies to just about all cycle clothing out there - yes, there are cheap, unbranded versions (or unheard-of brands) of everything you need on eBay, imported from some far-flung sweatshop, resplendent in their polyester glory. But caveat emptor - nearly all of it's crap. I love a bargain, who doesn't? But if you're relying on a piece of clothing to keep you warm or dry or windproof, best not to look at something that's coming from Shanghai for £7.

That said, there are relative bargains to be had. Take these range-topping overtrousers, from B'TWIN, currently available for £24.99. Yes, there are cheaper models, but these are so well thought out, and well made. From the top, these have an elasticated waistband, popper fastening and velcro fly - they're easy to get on, in other words. Then, have have pocket openings! I can't overstate how important this is. Not actual pockets, but pocket openings, so you can get to your actual trouser pockets underneath; you can get to your bike lock keys and money easily, without having to take the overtrousers off. And these are zippered openings - so many cheaper overtrousers just have slits for accessing pockets, completely ignoring the fact that the purpose of overtrousers is to keep you dry, and a gaping pocket slit just lets water in...

The side of the lower leg is zippered too, making it easy to put the overtrousers on when you've got shoes on. And the backs of the lower legs are bright yellow - a nice safety feature, as is the clip on each lower leg allowing you to attach small lights for added visibility. And finally, the legs end in elastic under-shoe straps to keep the trousers from riding up and - brilliantly - waterproof caps to keep the worst off your shoes too.

Finally, the whole lot folds up into its own back pocket, which is again that hi-viz, fluorescent yellow/green colour, and has integrated velcro straps so that you can tie it onto something (your frame, for example) if you've run out of pockets and bag space. Yes ,they really have thought of everything.

I haven't been out in a torrential downpour, but I've been out in some pretty heavy, persistent rain, and these have done their job brilliantly. The Decathlon website (for B'TWIN is Decathlon's house brand) states a very modest hydrostatic head of 2,000mm for these overtrousers, but also claims they are tested by simulating "an average downpour": 60 litres of water per square metre per hour for 2 hours. All I can tell you is I have yet to get wet, and that includes around all the seams and zips. And whilst the trade-off for good waterproofing is usually poor breathability, these are pretty good, with a stated RET value of 12. So when I say I have yet to get wet, I'm including my own sweat in that.

TLDR: these are well-priced, well-made and brilliantly designed overtrousers, ideal for commuting through rotten weather. It's rare that I lavish praise, but these are terrific. ★★★★★

BUY: B'TWIN 900 Urban waterproof overtrousers, currently £24.99 from Decathlon

Full disclosure: I bought these with my own money. If anyone wants to give me kit in exchange for an honest review, I'm open to that, but unless I explicitly say otherwise everything I review on here will be sourced and paid for by yours truly.

Week 1 metrics

30th December - 5th January:

• Total distance: 39.1mi
• Total elevation: 1,388ft
• Longest ride: 8mi
• Time in saddle: 2h 59m

The what and the why

In September 2020 [EDIT: now postponed to Sept 2021, due to COVID-19], I will be cycling from Land's End to John O'Groats (LEJOG) in the Deloitte Ride Across Britain event - cycling 980 miles in 9 days. I am a not-particularly-sporty middle-aged man, fairly new to long-distance cycling, and will be doing this on my clapped-out old bike - so this will be a massive challenge for me. Thus far, I've only ever cycled 100 or more in a day twice...so what could go wrong?

I am fundraising for the Alzheimer's Society, a charity that seeks to transform the landscape of dementia forever. Until a cure can be found, the Alzheimer's Society works to create a society where those affected by dementia are supported and accepted, able to live in their community without fear or prejudice.

From a personal perspective, my aunt passed away recently - her last years were blighted by dementia. Other friends and family are also affected. This has influenced my choice of charity - no-one should have to suffer from this wretched, awful condition. Anyway, if you'd like to sponsor me, that would be lovely, thanks.

I've got eight months to get ready for this, during which time I'm going to use this blog to record my training and document any kit I buy/use. Maybe it'll be interesting. Let's find out...