Real-world cycling

A snug isotonic sports drink, yesterday

In the vast and profitable world of online cycling, it's all 20-something men with washboard stomachs making Lycra look good as they belt up hills on 6kg wafers of hand-crafted Italian carbon. The real world, or my version of it at least, is not like that.

As a middle-aged man with a bit of a paunch, I look an absolute tool in Lycra, and wear it as little as possible. And whilst I would, of course, love a 6kg wafer of hand-crafted Italian carbon, life (and finance) is not like that, so I continue to eke a few more miles out of my 12-yr old flat-bar.

And if, as I do, you store your cycle helmet up on a shelf in the garage, you have to accept the possibility that, one day, a spider may take up residence. And that, as a consequence, when you're cycling into the city later that evening, the spider in question may crawl down over your face as you're trying your best to keep your speed up on an icy road. And that, being cold enough for you to wear your serious gloves, you might not be able to easily pluck your arachnid friend from your face. And even when you do get rid of him, you'll be imagining you can still feel him there for most of the rest of the journey. Doesn't happen to 20-something washboard-man, does it?

Another thing that doesn't happen much in the vast and profitable world of online cycling is real-world tests, by which I mean tests that I approve of. Example: have you ever seen a review of a bottle cage that tells you whether it will securely hold a 500ml bottle of ale isotonic sports drink? Another problem from last night, the bottle in question was not a snug fit and I was concerned that it would fall out and break, spilling all the hoppy isotonic goodness out on the road. Cue a real-world solution - fold your buff scarf in half lengthwise, to double the thickness, wrap around the bottle and Bob's your uncle, you have a nice tight fit. You don't get that kind of cycling tip anywhere else, do you?