Week 79 metrics

28th June - 4th July

• Total distance: 56.67mi
• Total elevation: 2,800ft
• Longest ride: 26.24mi
• Time in saddle: 4h 48m

Pretty terrible. Worst week for almost five months. The bikes are fine but the metaphorical wheels are coming off me...

If Jung was a cyclist, AKA the 12 sportive types

I've done enough sportives now to recognise some very definite types amongst my fellow riders. For example:

The Passive-Aggressive Passer: overtakes you with a pseudo-cheery "Hello" which is really just there to draw attention to the fact that they are overtaking you, and with such ease that they have enough breath left to talk to you about it. Pass-Agg for short.

The US Military: so-called because they literally have all the gear but no idea. They've just bought a sliver of carbon to ride and a raft of lycra to wear, none of which helps as they cycle along with their saddle too low and in the wrong gear, feet flying almost as furiously as the sweat from their brow. When they overtake, you take comfort in the knowledge that you're a better cyclist but that they have bought their speed.

The Onanist: it doesn't matter how fast or slow anyone else is, because this rider just competes with themselves. Medals are of no import, it's PRs that matter. Overtakes you but doesn't care. Checking Strava after an event comes before food, drink or anything else.

The Gemini: a pair of cyclists, permanently two abreast, often having taken the trouble to co-ordinate their outfits (matching Castelli rain jackets - nice). Geminis chat together from start to finish, seemingly never running out of puff, and don't even notice you when they overtake you.

The Woggle Hopper: named after George Corner, Hoppers are at least a generation older than you yet are somehow also fitter, faster and stronger than you. Typically, Hoppers will overtake you on steep climbs just to really rub it in.

The Lone Gunman: cycling can be a very social activity, especially sportives. People bunch together on the ride, get chatting, take turns setting the pace, encourage each other... but the Lone Gunman cares not for this. He trains alone, he rides alone, he speaks to no-one. He doesn't cycle to be social, but to face the challenge of cycling ... alone. Overtakes you without a word.

The Unlikely Lad: a cyclist who looks too big, too heavy, for their bike, whose rotund physique suggests a general lack of cycling and yet who, somehow, is still faster than you. When he overtakes, you can't help but think, "How?"

The Squisher: named after the Two Ronnies sketch in which an ill-equipped and seemingly unfit beginner (Barker) beats an experienced, well-equipped and fit squash player (Corbett) in his first game. You've seen the cyclist who's borrowed an old bike off his mate, not all the gears work properly, he's wearing a t-shirt he got in Primark, his old school PE shorts and footwear from Sports Direct... but he doesn't care. He overtakes you but doesn't know how.

The Trigger: named after the Only Fools and Horses character whose broom famously had seventeen new heads and fourteen new handles. The Trigger spends all of his time, effort and money making tiny incremental upgrades to his bike in search of performance gains, without ever realising that it would have been a lot quicker, easier and cheaper to just buy a new bike. Overtakes you just so that he can later attribute it to the 15g he's saved by swapping out his seatpost...

FKW: top-to-toe in either designer cyclist gear (colour co-ordinated Rapha) or replica team kit. News flash: having an Ineos-branded jersey doesn't make you faster. Feels he has to overtake you because you don't have the right labels on, and so don't deserve your place in the pecking order.

The Envy Magnet: magnets just get everything right. Nice kit without going OTT. Well chosen, well thought out bikes. A physique that is testament to the fact that they've trained appropriately. They work hard on the ride, but it isn't effortless. They're faster than you, but you admire rather than begrudge them. They speak kindly and with sociable warmth as they overtake you. You really wish you could form a Gemini pair with them.

Did I miss any other sportive archetypes? Where do you fit? And yes, those of you who know me might recognise that I exhibit a lot (but hopefully not all) of these traits. That's because I am...

The Sampler: knows enough about bikes and kit to have a reasonable set-up. Trains, but could train harder. Would like to be a sociable cyclist but isn't very social by nature. Feels too invested in his "Trigger's broom" to bite the bullet and buy a fancy new bike. Doesn't overtake anyone very often but, when he does, attributes it to the other rider probably having some kind of mechanical problem.

Week 78 metrics

21th June - 27th June

• Total distance: 147.0mi
• Total elevation: 5,055ft
• Longest ride: 114.11mi
• Time in saddle: 11h 43m

Week 77 metrics

14th June - 20th June

• Total distance: 82.86mi
• Total elevation: 2,232ft
• Longest ride: 30.56mi
• Time in saddle: 7h 18m

Another week of spectacular underachievement. Ten and a half weeks to go now, so I need to pull my finger out from here on. On the plus side, I passed my fundraising target during the week, so every cloud...

Another update on Trigger's broom

In Only Fools and Horses, Trigger famously opined that, in his job as a council road-sweeper he's had the same broom for twenty years... just with seventeen new heads and fourteen new handles.

Only a totally unrelated note, I've been running the same bike for more than fourteen years, but with a few new heads and handles... here's an update on the current state of play:

Still original	Replaced or upgraded
Frame Fork Headset Front derailleur Rear derailleur Gear shifters Brake levers Brake calipers Grips	Wheels (M/U) Tyres (M/U) Inner tubes (M/U) Cassette (M/U) Brake pads (M/U) Brake cables (M) Shifter cables (M) Bottom bracket (M/U) Chain (M) Crankset (M/U) Chainrings (M/U) Handlebar (U) Pedals (U) Saddle (U) Stem (U) Bar ends (U) Top cap (U) Seatpost (U) Seatpost clamp (U)
Key: M = maintenance, U = upgrade

I've still got a set of Ultegra brake calipers to go on at some point ... beyond that, things will only get upgraded if they break and need replacing.

Anyway, as Del once asked, how can it be the same broom? But on the plus side, my bike is unique...

Swings and roundabouts

What you lose on the swings you gain on the roundabouts.
- Gertrude Lawrence, "A Star Danced"

I fitted a new seatpost and seatpost clamp last week. As well as looking frankly excellent, they gave me a weight saving of about 85g. Not much, you might say, but then the old seatpost was carbon, so I wasn't expecting too much ... although 85g is nearly two KitKats, so not too shabby.

However, last week I also replaced my quite worn and suddenly very puncture-prone Fusion 5 Kevlar Pro Tech tyres with a pair of folding Continental Gatorskins... and they added 70g.

Gah...

Week 76 metrics

8th June - 13th June

• Total distance: 82.9mi
• Total elevation: 3,236ft
• Longest ride: 43.15mi
• Time in saddle: 6h 44m

Not the biggest figures, but the best ride.

Chipping away

Not done one of these for a while...

Just got to reduce the weight of the fat knacker in the saddle now...

Week 75 metrics

31st May - 6th June

• Total distance: 101.79mi
• Total elevation: 2,462ft
• Longest ride: 45.43mi
• Time in saddle: 7h 05m

This was supposed to be 65 miles and 1,300ft more, but technical problems (three punctures and a broken tyre lever within 45 miles) put paid to yesterday's 104 mile sportive just shy of the half-way mark. Gutted. Strava's gear list functionality tells me the tyre that fell prone to all three punctures (a Fusion 5 Kevlar Pro Tech on the front wheel) has done 1,428.5 miles, so I'm hoping that's the problem. I'll be putting some Continental Gatorskins on this week, front and back; I had hoped to save them until nearer LEJOG but I can't be doing with three punctures every weekend....

A day off / off-day

Yesterday was the first day since 2nd April that I have not cycled, bringing to an end a run of 59 straight days in the saddle.

I'll be making up for it this weekend coming though, when I have my first century ride for nearly two years. Wish me luck.